How am I supposed to continue without you?
by SuperCumbercollective
Summary: "He looked like his whole world just crashed on him, and it was too heavy to held. " And that was true. Hotch's whole world didn't mean anything to him anymore. Jack were at the hospital , and the doctors couldn't do anything anymore. Can the team get Hotch back to his feet or is he going to crash , is he going to give up?
1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1. And the rest of the world just lost its significance

Finally , they were going back home. He were super tired. It felt like he hasn't slept in years. Last time he slept were on Wednesday , and that was two days ago.

They had this one case. Hard one. 5 women were raped and killed in two weeks. They were one whole week in Utah.

He just sat on the plain and watch how Morgan and Reid were talking about something right next to him. Jj were sitting opposite him and Rossi on the couch.

" Dr. Who? Is it that one where they fly around in the phone booth? " Morgan asked.

" First of all, it's Police Box, not a Phone Booth. And second of all , Doctor Who started a quarter of a century Before Teddy and Bill even went on their bodacious adventures so really they should've just called it Bill's and Ted's excellent rip off. I mean at least then they would've made.. " Reid started his usual 10 page long presentation without the pages.

" I'm so sorry. " Morgan said confusedly.

" For what? " Reid were confused.

" For asking. "

Hotch and JJ laughed.

" But why it is Police Box? " Hotch asked. He's been thinking that for awhile. He isn't a fan of the show , but Reid is , a huge fan.

" Well, it's little bit broken. Not the TARDIS, but its chameleon circuit is. And it's stuck in the shape of a 1960s –style Police Box after the Doctor visited in London in 1963. " Reid explained.

" TARDIS. What's that name? " it was JJ's turn to ask.

" It's a abbreviation from words Time And Relation Dimension In Space. "

" Oh okay. " JJ smirked. " But how many Doctors there's been? The 10th Doctor is kinda hot. " She smiled.

Hotch and Morgan looked at each other.

" You mean David Tennant? " Reid asked.

" Hmm.. yeah. I ques. " JJ said.

Hotch's phone started ringing.

" Don't let me interrupt your conversation, but I have to answer this one. " Hotch said. But he didn't smile anymore.

The phone call were from Hospital.

" Hotch? Who is it? You look like you've just seen a ghost. " JJ asked when she saw how Hotch looked a little concern.

" It's from hospital. I ques. " He said and answered his phone. " Hotchner. "

" It's Maria Williams from the Black Rocks hospital. I have to talk with you about your son, Jack. " Said some young woman from the other side of the line.

" About Jack? Is everything okay? " Hotch asked quickly. If he was concern earlier, that was nothing to that feeling he had now. It felt like his heart stopped.

But he didn't want to talk about it in here, right next to his co-workers, so he got up and walked to other side of the plain.

" What's going on? " Morgan asked. " What's happened? "

They didn't know. What if something's wrong and something's happened to Jack.

They couldn't do anything else than just wait till Hotch were coming back.

" What's going on? Is Jack okay? " Hotch asked again. And he noticed that the Doctor were trying to find right words. Everything were definitely not okay.

" I'm really sorry , I have to say this , but.. " Doctor started. She took a deep breath before continuing. " Jack is in here, and there is nothing we can do anymore. "

" What? " What's going on. What's happened?" He almost shouted.

" Your son has this one disease , and there is no cure anymore. we noticed it too late. It's been proceed very far, and… " She went quiet.

" And? " Hotch were afraid to ask it , but he needed to know.

" Hotch? What's going on? " JJ whispered behind him. He didn't saw her coming there.

" And? " He asked again.

" He's dying. Doctors have predict that if he's lucky, he has 48 hours to live. " And this sentence just broke Hotch.

His legs almost betrayed him, he were really close to fall , but he didn't. How, he didn't know.

" I'm so sorry. " She said, and Hotch hang up.

Hotch threw his phone hard to the wall . It's screen broke, but it didn't matter. Nothing didn't matter anymore.

" Jeesh, Hotch. " JJ shouted. But shut up, after seeing Hotch's eyes. He were crying. He didn't know what to do.

" what the hell is going on in here? " Morgan cam towards them with Reid and Rossi , but they didn't came any closer. They gave JJ to talk to him.

" Hotch? " She asked softly. " What's going on? What's happened? " She walked right in front of him.

She put her hand above his and looked at him.

" Please. Tell me. " She whispered.

" Jack.. " He tried to talk, but it felt like he couldn't breath. All those word were trapped on his throat.

" What about Jack? " She asked quietly. He were so broken. She didn't know how to help.

" He's … he's at the hospital. "

" And ? " JJ asked. She weren't sure if she wanted to know , but she needed to know. He looked like his whole world just crashed on him, and it was too heavy to held.

" Jack's dying. " He cried. " Doctors say that he has 48 hours top to live. "


	2. Okay, just tired

Chapter 2. Okay, just tired.

JJ gasped. She didn't know what to do or say. She saw how a tear drop flowed down his cheek.

It was just wrong. It weren't fair. After all he's been going through, after Haley's death after everything, and now he has to deal with this.

And she weren't even sure if he can deal with this.

She were speechless, she has absolutely nothing to say.

" What happened? " Rossi asked quietly. It was terrifying to see his best friend like that. He were crying , he looked scared, so vulnerable, so broken.

Hotch couldn't speak. He were in shock. That all just hit him now , and he had no idea what to think.

" Hotch? " JJ asked softly and wiped that falling teardrop from his cheek.

She hugged him, and she didn't want to never let go. Hotch tries to put his thoughts together and hugs her back. He's afraid that if she lets go, he would fall down.

JJ felt how his hands were shaking , how a few tear drop fell to her shirt.

She can only imagine how he felt right now.

" Please. Talk to me. " She said quietly while leaning her head to his chest.

He couldn't talk. He couldn't move. He just stand there.

" This is your captain , and we are landing, so , please , sit down and fasten your seat belt. " They heard the voice from the plain's speakers.

They went to their seat, and so did Hotch , but he were so in his own thoughts that he weren't even sure what happened at that moment.

When they landed and they got out of the plain it was raining. It felt all so dark, so cold, so lonely. Exaclty how Hotch felt at the moment.

" JJ ? " Hotch said quietly.

" Yeah? " JJ turned on Hotch.

" Could you… " Hotch started but regretted it already.

" Could I what? Hotch? "

Hotch sighs. " Could you give me a ride to hospital? I don't think I should drive. "

She nods. " Of course. "

**** At the Hospital ****

" Hotch? " JJ said quietly before Hotch got out of the car.

" Yes? "

" Can I… Could I come with you? " She looked away. She just could watch his sad eyes. It just weren't fair. She felt like crying, she just wanted to hug him and never let go.

He didn't deserve this. No one does. But he's been going through too much.

" But I totally understand if you want to be with him alone. Yeah. Of course. I'm sorry… "

" It's okay. You can come if you want to. I think Jack would love to see you. " Hotch said and looked at her.

They both got out and walked to the Hospital.

" Hey. How can I help you? " Said the young woman on the hall of the ER.

" I'm here to see Jack Adam Hotchner. " Hotch said. He tried to stay strong , but that thing he's seeing inside his head about Jack right now , were pushing him so badly that he felt like giving up.

Woman nodded and started typing.

" ICU room 13 " she said and they walked towards those big doors and they came to Intensive Care Unit.

" Room 13. "

They walked in.

Jack were sleeping. What could be more cute thing than watch a little 9 years old boy sleeping. He looked calm and happy. And he looked a lot like his father.

Hotch sat to a side of his bed and just watch. He smiled weakly to him.

JJ took a chair to another side of the bed.

Maybe few minutes later , he woke up. He were pale , and looked tired, exhausted actually. He looked sick , but still happy.

" Daddy! " He shouted and hugged his dad tight. That brought a tears to his eyes. He hugged him back.

" Hey Buddy. Easy. How are you feeling? " He asked quietly. He were so happy to see him, but also so sad at the same time.

" I'm super tired. I'm feeling a little bit like you when you come back home after rough case. " Jack said.

Hotch smiled.

" JJ! " Jack turned to her, and hugged her too.

" Hey. It's nice to see you. " She said and tried to keep her mind straight. It was hard even for her, so she can't even imagine how Hotch felt.

" Daddy. Could you give me that paper. I want to draw. " He said. He loved drawing.

" Of course. "

Jack started draw and they had a good time together and for a moment they forgot everything bad. They lived on the moment, and only it mattered.

" Hey. How are you guys feeling here. " Male doctor came to them maybe hour later.

" Little tired. " Jack said and smiled. He were happy.

" Yeah, I bet. But I have to ask you two to leave for awhile. We must do a few tests. Maybe half and hour and you can come back. Just a few routine test. Nothing more. " He said and Hotch and JJ got up.

" Okay. Sure. " Hotch said , but before leaving he went to Jack and kissed him to his forehead.

" I'll be right back, okay? "

" Okay. I love you , Daddy. " Jack said.

" I love you too , Buddy. "

**I'm sorry. I've been really busy with my school, but I try to update as soon as I can. **


	3. If something breaks him, it's this

Chapter 3. If something breaks him, it's this

They walked out of the room and let the doctors do their job.

Hotch leaned to the wall and slide to the floor. JJ came right next to him and puts her head to Hotch shoulder.

Hotch kisses her gently to her forehead.

Hotch felt like all oxygen were gone from his lungs. He didn't know what to do.

They just sat there, looking to nowhere.

JJ took her hand to his. It was warm , and it was shaking. He were scared.

One of the most thing she hates is that , some people think that an FBI agent can't be scared of anything. They can't cry, they don't have feelings or something like that. That they are like robots who can just solve crimes after crimes without even blink.

Everyone are scared of something. She does, Garcia does, Rossi does even Morgan does. They all are scared of something.

Everyone thinks that nothing can break Hotch, but it's definitely not true. His biggest fear is losing someone he loves, again. And it's happening. If not today then tomorrow. And no one know, how he will handle that.

He doesn't cry, he doesn't shout. He is always behind that shield of his. He doesn't show it to anyone if he's broken.

Some people may say that he's cold. That he doesn't care. But it's right opposite. He cares. He really does. He's not cold. He is one of the sweetest guy she knows.

Some people may say that the team doesn't mean anything to him. They are wrong. He would do anything to them, and by anything, she means anything. Everyone would do the same thing. They are more than a team. They are like family.

Some people say that he didn't love Haley and Jack for real. Because if he would have, he would have been more home with them.

And that's the biggest lie , she's never heard. He loved Haley more than she even believed. And that is the same thing with Jack.

And now, he's lost Haley , the woman of his life. And now, also his son. If something breaks him, it's this.

They just sat there, she didn't want to move. Her hand were on his hand and they waited.

They waited and they waited.

It felt like forever. Did they sit there 10 minutes or 2 hours, they weren't sure. They just sat there. JJ's head were on his shoulder and her hand on his hand.

They saw how people walked past them , but they just sat there.

They heard people talking around them , but they just sat there.

They didn't say a word , they didn't move at all.

And then , finally, the door opened. The doctor walked towards them , and they got up.

" What is going on? " Hotch asked quickly.

" We made a few tests. " Doctor started.

" And ? " JJ asked.

" You knew about Jack's disease he had when he were younger? We thought it was gone. But… " The man stopped.

" But ? " Hotch didn't know what to think.

The doctor took a deep breath before continuing.

" But it's came back, and we noticed it too late. He's lucky if he survives this night. And there is nothing we can do anymore. I'm so sorry. " He said quietly.

Hotch went pale. Everything stopped. He couldn't breath , he couldn't move, or do anything at all.

" You have to do something! You have to save him!" JJ shouted.

" I'm sorry , Ma'am. But it's too late already. All we can do is to make him feel comfortable. There is nothing we can do more. " The doctor said and walked away.

Hotch turned to look in from that window. He watched how he played with his Captain America action figure. It was his favorite toy.

" Hotch ? " JJ asked softly.

Hotch wiped away the teardrop from his cheek.

" Yeah? "

" Should we go in? " She asked quietly.

Hotch nodded lightly. They went in and saw that bright smile on Jacks face.

" Daddy! " He smiled and Hotch went to him and hugged him.

" Hey , buddy. " Hotch said a tear in his eyes.

" Why are you crying , Daddy? " Jack asked.

" I just love you so much. No matter what happened. You know that right? " Hotch said and wiped it away.

Jack nods and hugs him again.


	4. I will always love you

Chapter 4. I will always love you

" Daddy. I'm hungry. Could we eat something? " Jack said after awhile.

He's been drawing again, and he's been telling to Hotch and JJ how nice the doctors have been to him and how he played with that little girl earlier.

" Sure. Let's go get something. " Hotch said and helped Jack down from his bed.

" Can I get a back ride? " Jack asked with that little sparkle in his eye.

" Of course. " Hotch smiled. Jack clipped to Hotch back and he were so happy.

JJ laughed.

The walked towards the café.

" So what do you want to eat? " JJ asked. Jack started looking around.

" I want some kind of sandwich. " Jack said and Hotch walked towards one table.

" Which one? " Hotch asked.

" Chicken. "

" This? I could take one too. JJ, do you want? " Hotch said.

" Hmm.. sure. Coffee? "

Hotch nodded. " Bla…"

" Black ,no sugar. You know Hotch, I've been working long enough with you to know how you drink your coffee. " She smiled.

Jack laughs.

They paid their stuff and went back to Jack's room.

" You choose these , right Jack? You have pretty good taste. This is awesome. " JJ said.

" I know. " Jack smiled.

" Oh , yeah. Daddy. I decided today. I think that the first Harry Potter is the best one. I saw it today, and it's definitely the best. " Jack said happily.

" First one? I think the best one was fifth. I think it was the most funny. " Hotch said.

" Harry Potter? I think the second part on The Deathly Hallows were most important. " JJ smiled. Both of the Hotchners nodded. She were kind of right in that.

" Well… But it was so happy still on the first one and the dog were cute. " Jack said.

" Cute. It had a three heads. " Hotch asked. " I think it was kind of creepy. "

" Creepy? " JJ smirked. " Wow. I though I would never hear something like that from your mouth. " JJ said , and looked at Hotch. She looked in his eyes.

If she wouldn't know him better, she would say that he really is happy , and he is, well kind of. But she does know him better and she knows that he's broken inside. She thinks that he's never felt like that.

It was so heart breaking to see him like that. They can't know , if this is the last moment the can spent with Jack. And it's almost 10 pm. already.

"Groove slam, work it back ,  
>Filter that, baby bump that track,<br>Groove slam, work it back  
>Filter that, baby bump that track" JJ's phone started ringing.<p>

" Morgan ? " Hotch asked.

She smiled and nodded. " How did you know that? "

" It sounded like Morgan. " he said.

" Jennifer Jareau. " She answered to her phone.

" Hey, it's me. We have the interview, remember? We need you to come immediately. " Morgan said.

" Oh.. Okay.. " JJ hesitated. She didn't want to leave him alone. Not now.

" Please. " Morgan begged.

She sighs. " Fine. I'll be there. But, Morgan, how about.. " She stopped and looked at Hotch. They both looked at her quietly.

Morgan were quiet for a moment.

" He needs to come too , but I think I can make it later to him. He really needs to be there with him. " Morgan said quietly.

" Thank you. And I'll be right there. " She said and hang up.

" Do you really have to go? " Jack asked. " Please don't go. We had so much fun. "

" I know , but we can… " She stopped. She were going to say that we can continue when she get's back. But what if they can't continue after that.

" You can continue with you dad. " She said and looked how Hotch's face turned from " happy " to sad. He knew what she was going to say.

Jack smiled.

JJ went to him and hugged him. She kissed him quickly to his forehead. He were little feverish.

" I'm sorry, little man. But I really have to go. " She tried not to cry.

" C'mon , JJ , keep you head together. Not now. " She thought.

" I'm sorry, Hotch. I really am. " she said and saw a tear in his eye. He really wanted her to stay. But he also knew that this interview thing was very important to all of his team members.

" It's okay. It is. Go. I talk with you later , okay? " Hotch said quietly and tried to be strong.

JJ watched him a few second quietly, nodded and walked away.

After JJ leaving, they continued their nice little conversation , but then..

" Buddy, you okay? " Hotch asked. Jack looked like he were in pain.

" It's little hard to breath. " Jack said.

Hotch got up and went next to him and helped him sit.

" Better? "

" A little. " Jack said. Jack put his head to Hotch's chest.

" Should I call the doctor? Does it hurt that much? " Hotch asked. He were very worried about his son right now.

" No , Dad. Don't. It doesn't hurt anymore. It's so warm. " Jack said. He felt safe, happy. The safest place on earth was on his dad's arm. And no one would even question it.

" Are you sure? "

" I'm sure. But, daddy. I'm so tired. I just want to sleep a little , okay? "

" Okay. " Hotch said quietly.

Jack pressed his head tighter to Hotch's chest.

" I love you , Buddy. No matter what. " He whispered.

And few second later Jack's breathing got slower , and slower, and slower.

And then.

It stopped, and his heart stopped.

Hotch started crying. Tears just flowed down.

He couldn't move, he couldn't breath. He just cried and held his 9 years old son.

" It's okay , Buddy. It's okay. " He whispered and kissed him gently to his forehead. " I will always love you. " He tried to say but it never came out. It drowned to his tears.


	5. I'm so sorry

Chapter 5. I'm so sorry

He just sat there. He couldn't move. It felt like his heart were just ripped of his chest. Nothing did matter to him anymore. It felt like his lungs were giving up at any second.

He sat on the hospital bed his son on his arms.

Tears were floating down his cheeks. Someone would say that crying is sign of weakness when he were the one crying. He has always been that rough to himself. Usually he would do anything to not show his weakness to anyone. He just lived behind that huge shield of his and didn't show any kind of emotion to almost anyone.

But this time, it didn't matter. He just cried , and cried. The whole world just crushed him under that huge weight of it. He were too weak to lift it back up.

He has never felt this empty as he felt at the moment. Nothing did matter to him anymore. He didn't want to live anymore.

He were weak, so tired, so done with everything.

He saw the doctors behind the glass, and he just looked at their faces behind his blurry eyes.

He knew he would have to leave. He didn't want to , but he had to. The feeling were only getting worst if he would've stayed there. He lifted her son , slowly and put him back to bed. Then , everything just stopped.

He looked at his son, looked how one single tear drop were floating on Jacks cheek, slowly. He wiped it away , and smiled weakly to him.

He put his hand to Jack head, to his short , brown hair. He fondles his hair a little and then leans closer. He kisses him softly to his forehead. Just for a last time.

He looks at his son. He is so proud of him. He is always been. There is nothing in this world he loved more than his son, and there will never be.

He takes Jacks hand between his own and whispers: " It's okay, sweetie. It's going to be okay. I promise that. "

He put's his hand slowly down and gets up. He crapped to the side of the bed, because it felt like his legs would betray him at any second. And they almost did.

He wipes the tear from his face and gets back to his feet slowly. And he had no idea where did he got all that energy to do that, but he just did.

Before leaving the room he gives him a one little smile He walked out the door to the doctors.

" I'm so sorry for your loss. " He said.

Hotch couldn't say anything. He just nodded lightly.

" We need you signing to this, and you can go. " The other one said and gave him one form.

He signed it quickly and gave it back to him.

" We take care of your son. " The doctor said. Hotch

" That's too late already, don't you think. " Hotch muttered. Doctors looked at him. " I'm sorry, I'm just… "

" Mr. Hotchner, you don't have to apologize anything. Is there anything we can do for you ? " One of the doctors said , but Hotch shakes his head. He just wants to go home.

Hotch looks at Jack once again. He looked like he were sleeping. He looked so calm.

He didn't want to leave him. He just wanted to stay there. He just wanted to believe that all this was just a bad dream, that he just had to snap out of it.

" Mr. Hotchner? " The doctor asked. Hotch didn't react. " Mr. Hotchner. " He said again.

" What? " He asked absently.

" Would you like to visit to him , for a last time? "

Hotch thought is for a few seconds.

" No. " He said simply and looked at Jack for a last time and then just walked away.

He just wanted to ran, and ran and ran away from his troubles, his worries, his life. Butt he didn't. He tried to keep his thought together.

He walked calmly on the hall and looked around. There were so many people , so may families , so many kids. And they looked so happy. He heard them laugh, smile and play together.

He felt like zombie. He felt so tired, he felt so empty.

He somehow couldn't stop thinking about that one Halloween they spent together.

Jack went to change his Halloween costume on. And he said that he had one surprise to Hotch.

" Dad, don't look at me. " Jack said on the other room while Hotch were leaning on the railing of the stairs.

" I'm not looking, you almost ready? " He asked.

" Yeah, just wait a second. "

" Okay, you need any help? "

" No. " He said while walking to the hall.

Hotch turned around and didn't saw what he thought he would see. He thought he would see his son dressed like a spider man, but saw something very different. He saw his son dressed to a black suit with a red tie on his neck.

" Wow. That is definitely Not spider man. " He smirked.

Jack looked at his daddy.

" But , dad. He's not real superhero. " He smiled.

" What? He's not? " Hotch asked confusedly. Jack shakes his head. " Okay, I give up. Who are you supposed to be then? " Hotch asked.

" I'm you daddy. " He said proudly. He really looked up to his daddy. He wanted to be just like him.

Hotch smiled. He couldn't help it. He walked closer to him , and hugged him tight. Jack hugged back. He were so happy.

Hotch lifted him up , and took his keys.

" Should we go get some candy? " He asked and Jack nodded.

Hotch were on the hospitals parking lot, walking to his car. He went in , but he couldn't keep his mind on order anymore. He gave up even trying to do that.

He started crying again. He pressed his head to the steering wheel.

He didn't want to be strong anymore. He had absolutely nothing to fight for. He were ready to give up.

" I'm sorry , Jack. I'm so sorry. " He whispered. " I let you down. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry , buddy. "

_**I'm sorry for this chapter taking so long. I've been very busy with my school and stuff. But like always, I try to update as soon as I can. **_


	6. Why does it always have to be Hotch

Chapter 6. Why does it always have to be Hotch

" Ring, ring. " Hotch's phone started ringing. He were so deep in his own thoughts that he didn't even heard it. Well, he heard it , but he couldn't react to it. He felt so tired of , well everything. He didn't know what to do. He couldn't control his body, not even his own mind.

When the phone stopped, everything went so quiet. He just sat there, didn't know what to do. Everything stopped around him.

He had no idea how long time he just were there, doing nothing.

It started raining, and he just watched how water drops to his window, and felt how his world were crashing on him, piece by piece.

It was so overwhelming, that all he wanted to do were just break down. But he couldn't. He were too tired to do even that.

He closed his eyed, leaned back to his seat and listed the sound of the rain. He used to love that sound, but now it was pure pain to him. It reminded him how much Jack used to love rain. He said it was refreshing, it was like a new beginning for everything. He used to run on rain, and let it him.

But now it was right opposite. Now , it wasn't sound of new beginning, it was sound of everything crashing on him.

His phone rang again. And this time he knew he has to answer it.

" Hotchner. " He said quietly and tried to sound as normal as possible.

" It's me , Cruz. We need you in here , quickly. Okay, good. Bye. " Cruz said quickly and hang up.

Hotch had no chance to say no to him , so he had to go.

*** Same time at the BAU ***

" You're kidding right. You can't call him here. Not now. " JJ shouted to Cruz.

" Why not? I have to make clearance to this case. I really have to know. " Matt said stubbornly. " He is your unite chief , and I need his confirmation about that happened to Alex. "

" Cruz, I'm okay. It's just a scratch. I'm okay. Just leave him alone, okay. He has to be at the hospital. " Alex said quietly.

She got shot to her arm at the case, but it was just a scratch wound, nothing serious.

" Please. Don't. " JJ begged.

" Why not? " He raised his voice. JJ's never him yelling, so it was kind of awful to hear.

" Because… " She stopped. He didn't want to tell him. She thinks that Hotch is going to tell him , if he wants to. " Just because. "

" Not good enough. He is still coming. It can't be that bad. " He gave them a quick smile and walked away.

" JJ? " Rossi walked to her, and put his hand to her shoulder. " You okay? " He asked softly.

" No, I'm not okay! " She cried. " It's just not fair. How it has always be Hotch who is suffering. It's just not fair. "

" I know , JJ, I know. " Rossi whispered to her, and hugged her.

" Will he ever get over it? " She asked quietly. She were so scared about what will happen to him if he gives up. How badly he would broke, and will he ever get back on his feet.

" I don't know. " Rossi said. And felt how JJ's tear were wetting his shirt. He held her tight close his body. She were so broken, and she couldn't even imagine how bad Hotch felt at the moment.

And they doesn't even know what has happened after JJ left the hospital.

" How were he, when you left? " Morgan asked.

" Jack or Aaron? "

" Both.. " He said quietly.

She tried to find the right words to describe them. And only trying to remember the moment , made her cry. She should still be there with him. She shouldn't have let him be there alone.

" Shhh… Jeyje. It's okay. " Garcia went to her and hugged her.

She hugged her back and wiped the tears away.

" Jack, well he were like himself , but were a little feverish , and pale. Doctors said that if Jack were lucky , he would survive this night. " She said very quietly. She weren't even sure if they drowned to her tears and nothing came out , but seeing their reaction, she were sure that they heard it.

Garcia went pale too. She felt like crying, but didn't. She just stand there and looked at JJ and really hoped that she were kidding. That none of this was true.

" And Hotch. " Jeyje started , and saw his face on her mind. " Well, how do you think he took the news? "

" Not very well. " Rossi said.

" Yeah. Not well at all. And I really should be there with him. I shouldn't have left him alone. Gosh. Why did I do that. It's not fair. He is my friend , and I left him there alone because of my job. " JJ shouted.

" JJ , listen to me. I'm sure he would've wanted you to come here. I'm sure he understands. " Garcia tried to comfort her.

" I saw his eyes when he looked at me. I can't never get that look out of my head anymore. He looked so broken, alone, desperate and everything. And I just feel so horrible. I'm so awful person. " She kept beating herself again, and again, and again. " And if I feel like this, I can't even imagine how he feels at the moment.

" Hotchner! Your office. Now. " They heard Cruz's voice.

And they saw Hotch. He looked so tired, so devastated. They have ever seen him like that. And they saw him walking to his office after Cruz.

**_I'm so sorry guys that it took me so long time to get this done. But I try to be more active starting now. Sorry :/_**


	7. Let me help you

Chapter 9. Let me help you

" Cruz. What's going on? " Hotch asked before he walked to Cruz.

" I need to talk with you. And after that I have to ask a little favor. " He said and smiled at Hotch, but didn't get response to that smile. All he saw was a broken man , with a red eyes after all that crying. " Are you okay? " He asked.

" Oh yeah. I'm perfect. Never been better. " He said sarcastically, but Cruz just smiled at him.

" Good. "

* Yeah, of course I'm fine. My son just died on my arms and I have no meaning to my life anymore. Yeah, I'm perfect. * He though and walked slowly to his office. He felt so tired, and so done with everything. He wanted to cry so hard, but didn't. He didn't want his boss to think that he's weak. Cruz shut the door behind them and turned on Hotch.

" So. Talk to me. "

" About..?" Hotch thought that Cruz didn't know about Jack. He didn't want him to know, not like this. It just didn't felt right.

" About the case." Hotch were reliefed. He sat to a corner of his desk and crossed his arms to his chest. " What the hell happened back there? "

" Just a regular case. Nothing important happened. We catch the guy and made sure that he will never see sun light again." Hotch said , but didn't look straight to Cruz.

"And you got your own Agent hurt. " Cruz said , well, almost shouted.

" _I got _my own agent hurt? " Hotch didn't want to believe what he just heard_. * Yeah, of course. But it all to my shoulders. Yeah, it was my fault. *_ Hotch were mad. Is this really all why he came here, to get all blame for what happened back in the field. Of course, he cares about what happened. Of course he cares about his team. "It was just a scratch to her arm , not bad. And she said that she were okay. "

" Wow. I never believed that you would be this… this insensitive. I thought that you cared about your team. " Cruz said , but didn't mean it. Just wanted to see his reaction. And the reaction were definitely not what he expected.

Hotch punched his fist to the mirror on his wall. " All do respect. Shut. The. Fuck. Up. " Hotch shouted. He didn't know what to think anymore. He were devastated, mad and extremely sad. And all those mixed up, he were confused. And now, he were also hurt physically. His hand was bleeding , after a piece of broke mirror cut a deep cut to his hand. " I think she's gonna live. It was just a little scratch. And there were nothing I could have done for that. " He turned around, didn't want to see him at the moment. He covers his face with his hands, also fouls his forehead with the blood on his hand.

" Agent Hotchner! Calm do.."

" Get out. " Hotch shouts. He just wanted to be alone.

Cruz didn't say a word, just nodded, and walked out. But there were still one thing Hotch wanted to say to him.

" Matt! " He shouts to him. He stops and turns around. He's right next to the team around Reid's and Blake's desks. They all looked at Hotch. Hotch took a deep breath before started talking. " Don't you ever dare come to me and tell me that I'm insensitive, and that I don't care. You know it's not true. I care about my team, I really do. They are like family to me, always been and there is nothing I wouldn't do for them. But right now. I know, Blake's hurt, but if she says that she's okay, I believe her. And I have also other worried right now, so… " He stops. He's so close to break. His hands are shaking. " All do respect, Cruz, but fuck you." He said and just looked at him.

" I'm sorry. " That's all he says and walks away.

So does Hotch. He walks to his office, and slams the door shut. He feels bad now , because he yelled at Cruz, but is too tired to go apologize.

He sits to his nice, black chair and just leans back, closes his eyes and try not to think anything. It's impossible. _* I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry , buddy. I let you don't. Again. I would do anything, to get you back here with me. *_ He's so mad at Cruz, at himself, at everyone.

He runs his arm through the table ,throwing all stuff on it to the floor. Lamp, papers, files and few pictures too. He hears how the lamp breaks , and crashes to the floor. He leans to wall and slides slowly to the floor. He buries his face with his arm and lays it to his knees. _* What have I done to deserve this? Huh? Haven't I suffered enough? Why it's always have to be me? I have nothing to live for anymore, and I hope that is what you wanted, because that Is what you've got. I hope you are god damn happy now. Sometimes I really wanted to believe that there is god above, but where he really is when I need him. Oh yeah. Everywhere , but here. * _He finally collapsed. Broke down. Fell apart.

JJ knocks to Hotch door. " Aaron? " She asks quietly. " Can I come in? " She got no response so she opened the door slowly and saw something very painful. Something very heartbreaking. He saw his boss, his good friend, and person who is always been like a big brother to her, crying silently on a corner of his office.

" Aaron. " She whispered.

" Jeyje. Don't do this. Just.." He mutters.

" Hotch, please. Let me help. You've hurt, you are bleeding. Let me help you. "

Hotch lifts his head slowly and looks at this one beautiful creature on his office. She looks so good. He has no idea , how the hell did he found someone like her. " Why are you doing this? You don't have to do this."

" Oh, honey. I know I don't have to do this, but it doesn't meant that I don't want to do this. " She gives him a little , encouraging smile. She sits right opposite him and looks him in the eyes, and all he sees is pure pain on those beautiful, deep, brown eyes.

She takes a scarf out of her pocket, and wraps it gently to his hand, tying the wound with that. " Thank you. " Hotch whispers to her , and she nods lightly back to him. She comes right next to him, and takes his hands between her own. She felt how they were shaking. She saw, how he were scared. She has never seen him like that, and it was so heartbreaking.

" You know, Jack always said that I were his superhero. I just can't stop thinking that, what kind of hero I am. I couldn't even save my own son. What would Jack though about that? " He asks.

" Aaron. Listen to me. You will always be his hero. No matter what happens. So, let's go see him. I'm sure you want to see him before he goes to sleep. " JJ said. She were getting up, but didn't. That face on Hotch's face, stopped her.

" No. Don't say it.. " She whispered.

" It's already too late. He's gone. " He said, and saw teardrops on her eyes. She didn't say a word, just sat back to the floor with him, and hugged him tight.

" Shh.. It's gonna be okay. " She whispered and ran her fingers through his short , black hair , and just hugged him. Offered a shoulder to cry on.

" When? "

" One and a half hour ago. I ques. I'm not sure. I lost a track of time. "

" It's okay. "

" Jeyje. Can you st.. "

" Aaron. I'm not going anywhere. I'm here as long as you need me to be. Don't worry about it. I'm not going to leave you alone. I'm here if you need me. Always. " She said, and looked that grateful look on his face.

" I'm just so scared. I mean, I love Haley, and I lost her. I love Jack, so damn much. And now I lost him too. I'm scared that.."

" Everyone you love, dies. "

" It's been like that for now. I have no reason to live anymore. I have no idea what to do. "

" Let me help you. You are not alone. I will make sure of it. You will not have to go through this alone. And you know. I'm always ready to die for my family, and you are always been part of it. "

Hotch looks at her. He's so lucky to have someone like her.

" Thank you. For everything. You've done so much. I owe you so much. " He said and pulled her closer to him. She puts her head to his chest and feels the heat of his.

Hotch kisses her softly to her forehead. " Thank you. "

Time lost it's meaning. They just sat there, didn't move or say a thing. They had each other, and they didn't want to change it for awhile. There is always time for your family.


	8. Time for apologize

**_I'm so sorry. I know. It took me so long time to update. But I've had so many problems at the same time. 1. School stuff 2. More school stuff 3. My good friend died few days ago, I've got no power to write and 4. Writing block isn't very helpful either. I'm so sorry I kept you waiting. But I hope it gets easier now, and I'd have some time to write too. But I promise. This story will come complete. I hope you stick with me to the end. And , please, review. I really appreciate it. I would really need to know what do you think about this. It means a lot. _**

** Chapter 8. Time for apologize**

" Cruz! " Alex called him , before he walked away. He turned around, and looks questioningly to that tall, brunette female agent. " Did you really ask him here so you can blame him about what happened? Seriously? " She shouted. Others came behind her, all accusing him too.

" I – I were just kidding. I – I didn't …. " He tried to talk. He got these looks he got from the team , made him want to disappear. Just wanted the ground to swallow him. He gets that he were too rough on him. He were sorry about it. He's never seen Hotch like that. He were clearly broken by something important to him.

" How! Dare! You! Go! To! Him! And say that He doesn't care! " She shouted as hard as she could. At some point, she noticed a single tear floating down her cheek. " I told him, that I'm okay. Because I am. He has bigger worries at the moment. I don't want him to worry about me because of nothing. " She cried. Rossi put his hand to her shoulder, but Blake kept shouting at him. " You know him better than that. You know him. You know what kind of person he is. You know his blaming himself if something bad happens to us. He's already too hard to himself. He's the sweetest man I've ever known, he doesn't deserve threating like this. And we put a lot crap on him, he helps us out, no matter where we need him, he's always there. I think it's our turn to do that to him. "

" Why? What's going on with him. What is his fricking problem? " Cruz asked. He couldn't stand behavior like that. They are his workers, his employees.

" His problem? You are accusing him now? What is your fucking problem? " Blake cried.

" Alex, that's enough. Please. " That calm, deep but soft and warm voice of Rossi's calmed her down a little. " Let me handle this. " Alex nodded and stepped few steps back to Morgan. He pulled her closer , hugged her gently.

" Matt.. Please. Why are you doing this? What is Hotch ever done to you? " Rossi asked calmly. " You know him. "

" Yeah, I do. And like I said, I didn't mean to hurt him. I just wanted to see how he would react to that. But, what is going on with him? He looked hurt. "

Rossi looked at him a moment, and tried to figure out how to put his words in right order. It's very rare that he doesn't know what to say. He turned around to look at his best friend's office. JJ were still in there behind closed door. He were so worried about him.

" Well, I don't doubt that he's broken. And that's understatement. I would describe his feeling like ' No reason to live ' or ' devastated by the weight of his world '. He got bad news today. "

" What kind of bad news? "

* I'm sorry Hotch, but he has to know.* He thought and took a deep breath. " His son, Jack, is at the hospital, and.. " only thinking about it hurt him so badly. He is Jack's godfather, and the pain is getting worst every second. If the pain he is feeling, he has no idea how Hotch could be feeling at the moment. "And he's dying. " He says quietly, and tries not to cry.

" You're kidding right? " Cruz went serious. Not exactly what he expected to hear. He regretted his words immediately. No he doesn't even wonder why he were so broken. " You're not? Oh god. "

"Hey. " Hotch said tiredly. His team turned around , all at the same time. " Oh, no. Don't give me that look. Please. It just makes me feel worse. Seriously. " He said softly when saw how sad all his team mates were. He were so broken at the moment, he didn't want them to pity him.

" Hotch.. " Reid tried , but Hotch stopped him.

" Spencer. You don't have to. It's okay. "

" Hotchner. I'm.. I'm sorry. I didn't know. And I didn't mean what I said. I hope you're not mad at me. " Cruz slurred. The look in Hotch's red eyes, were hear breaking.

" Cruz. It's okay. It really is. Just, don't you ever dare to come to me again to say that I don't care for my team. You know that it is not true."

" I won't. I'm sorry. "

" Are you going at the hospital? " Blake asked quietly. She were so sorry that he had to be here , because of her.

Hotch didn't say a word. He tried not to cry, but it was so damn hard. He looked softly to JJ , and then turned back to his team and took a deep breath. He closed his eyes for few seconds. He just wanted to believe that the thing he were going to say, were not true. He's never wished anything so hard.

" No. It's.. " He shut up. A single tear floated down his cheek. " It's too late already. "

Garcia gasped, and put his hand to her mouth. " No. It can't be.. No. Please. Aaron. Just say that this is not happening. Please. " She cried.

" I wish I could say that. " He whispered. His voice were so small, so different. And he looked so vulnerable.

Garcia ran to him, and hugged him, tight. She leaned her head to his chest. She felt how Hotch drowned his face to her wavy blonde hair. " It's just not fair. He is.. He were too young. " She cried silently.

Hotch's always strong arms weren't so strong this time. He held her close to him, but his hands were shaking. He didn't know what to do. He couldn't think straight more than 1 minute ahead. And he were scared.

Few moment later she pulled off and looked at him and wiped away those tears away. " I'm so sorry. I really am. " She whispered without getting an answer. Just more tears.

" I think I got to go home, if you don't mind. " Hotch said and looked at his team. They were only one he had anymore, but he still felt so empty, so lonely. " Thank you. For everything you've ever done to me. I think I can never thank you enough. "

" Aaron, you don't have to thank us about anything. Just, go home. And if there is anything we can do, just ask. Okay? " David said.

" I don't let you go behind that wheel alone. I can drive you home. " JJ suggested.

" JJ.. "

" No buts. I'm driving. "

Hotch agreed silently and walked to his office.

" I've never seen him like this. " Penelope cried silently. " Is he ever going to recover this? After all what's happened? "

" I don't know PG. I don't know. But I know for sure, that he needs us now. More than ever. He needs to know that we're here. " Rossi said and gave her a quick kiss to her forehead.

" He knows that. "

" Then don't let him forget that. " He said and went after Hotch to his office. He knocked to his door, and walked in.

" I couldn't save him. " That weak voice said behind Hotch's desk. " Dave, I couldn't save him. It was my job to protect him, and I couldn't. " Hotch lie his head to his desk.

" Aaron, listen to me. It was not your fault. There were nothing you could have done. " He sat to that chair opposite of Hotch.

" Dave, you don't understand. I were his hero. He always said that to me. Always , when I went to work , he said that It's okay. If there's someone who needs me, I should go save them. " He lifts his head a little. " Where were I , when my son needed me? Where were I when my son needed his hero?" He kept crying. He were hopeless. He had nothing. Everything had been taken away from him. " Dave, I don't know what to do. "


	9. Better words to describe him

Chapter 9. Better words to describe him

Rossi stood up, and went next to him. Knelt down , right next to Hotch's chair. It was so awful, so heartbreaking to see him like that. He has never been like that.

" Aaron. Look at me. Please. "

Hotch wiped his face with his hands.

" Aaron. It's going to be okay. I promise that. Jack would want you to be brave. "

" No! Dave, you have no idea how I feel. You don't understand! " He shouted behind his teary eyes. He jumped up from his chair. " It's not going to be okay. It's just don't. My son died, and I couldn't do anything for him. I couldn't… " He said , but tears took over him and his rage were over. He felt so weak, so tired of everything. Nothing mattered to him. " I couldn't save him. " He whispered.

" You're right. I don't have no idea. But I can say one thing for sure. You're not alone. Seriously. You have me, you have JJ you have everyone on this team, they will always be here. I don't want you to forget that. " David said softly to his friend who were so upset. Hotch didn't say a thing, just looked down to his feet. When Hotch didn't answer him, he continued. " And Aaron. There were nothing you could've done. You really should not blame yourself because of what happened. That is going to kill you. "

" Good. Easier way to die than I planed. " He said.

Rossi were speechless. For the first time in his life, he had absolutely nothing to say. He were scared for his friend. What if he will hurt himself? What if he crashes totally and does something to himself? No, he won't let that happen.

" Dave. Thank you. Please. I just want to be moment alone. Please. I'll be right back down. " He turned around , so he wouldn't see new tears floating down his cheeks. " Please. " His voice broke.

Rossi couldn't move. Just looked at him. "Dave. Please. " He heard him whisper. He nodded lightly , and walked away to others.

" How is he? " Cruz asked.

" What do you think? " Rossi said, and he felt how tears were burning in his eyes. He were scared that his friend may give up. " I think I described Hotch's condition by words 'No reason to live ' or ' devastated by the weight of his world '. Better word would be suicidal. "

" Oh god. No! No no no no no no.. " Garcia cried. " Why? He doesn't deserve this! He needs his family. Why Hotch? Hasn't he suffered already enough? "

" Hey. Baby Girl. Calm down, please. It's going to be okay. " Morgan hugged her behind. Garcia turned around, and put her head on his chest. " He were too young. " She sobs quietly to his dark blue shirt.

" I know, _sweetie_. I know. " He puts his chin on top of her blonde head.

" I'm scared that he really may do something to himself. " Rossi said quietly. Only thinking about it hurt. About loosing his best friend like that, made him feel so bad " He is blaming himself so hard about what happened to Jack, and what happened to Alex. "

" There were nothing he could've done. "Blake looked at the senior leader of the team.

" He knows that, but he doesn't care. "

" Hey. Are you ready to go? " JJ said quickly to Hotch who were just walked behind them. He nodded.

" Hotch… " Blake whispered while looking in his deep brown eyes full of tears.

" Alex. It's okay. "

" No, Aaron. I'm so sorry. I tried to tell him not to call you here. You came here because of me, and I'm so sorry. " Blake said with tears in her eyes.

" I know. It's okay. It really is. "

Blake couldn't control herself anymore, she just ran to him and hugged him tight. She wanted to do that for awhile, but were too scared how he would react to it. But she couldn't help it this time. She wrapped her arms around his neck. She were relieved when she felt how he hugged her back. She felt Hotch's breath on her hair.

" Are you going to be okay? " She asked quietly. She were sure that his heart skipped a beat, and his body came more tense.

" I don't know. "

Before pulling off of that hug, she cave him quick kiss to his cheek and whispered " You are not alone. "

Alex pulled back and looked at him awhile. His eyes looked so kind, and gentle. But also so broken. Always when she's seen him, he were driven, calm, self-confident and tough and genuine person. All she saw now were broken man which have been taken all away, without reason to live.

" Thank you. For all of you. You mean so much to me, I really appreciate it. Thank you for everything. " He looked all of them one by one. Then he turned to JJ. " We should go now, if you really want to drive me home. "

" Yeah. Of course. "

* * *

><p>Whole driving time, neither of them said anything. Hotch were looking out of the window. They drove over this park, and there were so many families. So many happy kids, and football practice. He could imagine Jack there too playing football with his friends. He loved that game.<p>

" Hotch? " JJ's voice interrupted his thoughts.

" Yeah? "

" We're here. "

" Oh. " He says quickly noticing that they were parked on his drive way. They both got up, and went to the door. Hotch took his keys out of his pocket, and opened the door with divided attention.

" Aaron.. " JJ started. She were still standing on his door. Hotch had just walked inside, and threw his keys to sofa table. He turned around to look at his colleague.

" JJ, you don't have to. "

" No. Aaron. Please. Let me speak. " she insisted. She took a deep breath and started talking , again. " I know. I have no idea what you are going through, but.. " She didn't know how to put her words in right order. " All I want to say, is that, I love you, and I really care about you. What ever you do, what ever you feel, what ever happens, it won't change. You are not alone. You don't have to face any of this alone. I'm here if you need me. Always. day or night, I'm always by you side. " She observed his reaction.

" _Jeyje_… " He opened his mouth, but closed it as fast as he opened it.

" If there is anything , and I mean Anything, I can do. All you have to do is ask. Okay? " She felt so bad when she looked at his friend. He looked so little, so vulnerable.

" JJ. Sweetie. I know. I appreciate it, but I just… " He let out a deep breath. " Thank you. For everything you've done for me. It's already too much. Don't worry about me. Cruz is anyway waiting you back. You should go. Once again. Thank you. " He said sadly to that one beautiful blond on his doorway.

She wanted to stay, but she also gets that he wants to be alone. She turns around, and leaves and Hotch shuts the door behind her.

It were so quiet. He somehow got himself to the sofa, and just collapsed to it. He didn't know what he should think, and when he tried to think something, it didn't make any sense. Everything felt so blurry to him.

_" __Knock knock "_

Hotch didn't know if he would get up to get the door, or just don't do anything. But somehow he got power to get up. He went to the door.

" JJ? I though.. " He were confused.

" Aaron. I'm not going anywhere. No matter how many times you say you are okay, doesn't mean that you really are. We both know that's bullshit. And that pisses me of most. You don't think you deserve anyone's help. You think you have to suffer alone. You think you are not worth it. " She started before Hotch even got chance to talk. " Aaron. Seriously. You are worth it, you deserve it. And please, for once, don't be so hard on yourself. You don't have to hide that you are broken. You think that if you are broken, it's sign of weakness. But when everyone else is, you are always there for them. It's not sign of weakness. Just I hope you could believe me. " She cried. " You don't have to hide. For once, throw that shield away, and just do how you feel. Breaking down is not going to hurt, when you know that there are people lifting you up again. And you have. You have me, you have Jessica, you have everyone on the team. We are all worried about you and we are all here for you. "

Hotch looked at her. Maybe she were right.

" Just please. Admit it. This is something you can't handle alone. So just please. When you need us, we are there. We will support what ever you do, but just trust us. You don't have to pretend to be fine when you are not. "

Hotch couldn't say a thing. He weren't sure if he'd believe her.

" I'd love to help. "

" Yes, please. " He whispered, and few tears were floating down again.

She went to him, and hugged him. "_ Shh. Sweetie._ It's going to be okay. " She said calmly. " It's going to be okay. "

Hotch didn't do this for himself. He just thought, that if he'd agree with her, she would leave faster, and he could finally be alone. After she's gone, he will never open the door to anyone ever again. He will shit his phone forever, and just die slowly. No one would even miss him.


End file.
